Discussing intimacy with children can feel overwhelming. Thankful, there are many resources available to assist us in our efforts.
A Surprise Confession
Last week as I was making dinner, my teens walked into the kitchen and asked if we could watch another principle-based intimacy video after dinner.
“Really?” I asked, feeling suspicious.
“Yes,” they responded. “We really want to watch another video tonight!”
I felt a sudden sense of accomplishment as a mother as I observed their eagerness to discuss sensitive topics, that is, until they confessed to wanting to watch the video right away to get it over with as. soon. as. possible.
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The Honest Truth
The truth of the matter is that my children are sometimes as uncomfortable as you and your children might be when discussing principles of intimacy.
Try to envision three teens, slowly, hesitantly, sitting down next to one another on the couch–the teen on the left sitting stiffly, bracing themselves for what is to come; the teen in the middle, clutching a blanket on their lap, fully prepared, in any given moment, to pull the blanket over their head in an effort to hide their reddening cheeks, in the event that the topic of discussion were to take an uncomfortable turn; and the teen on the right, slouched down, as far as possible, into the corner of the couch, in a clear and desperate attempt to become invisible.
This exact scenario has taken place in our home.
Benefits
Despite the obvious discomfort with the subject at hand, incredible things have happened in our family due to the conversations that have taken place over the years:
1) A place of safety has been created for each member of the family to ask uncomfortable questions and receive appropriate answers
2) Teens have begun to take the principles of intimacy they have learned and apply them to their relationships throughout the week
3) Family relationships have been strengthened as we learn, together, how to live the best life possible
Conversation Ideas
What exactly do we discuss during our regular conversations?
- * physical anatomy
* personal agency
* grief and shame
* mercy and justice
* sin and repentance
* personal boundaries
* forgiveness and grace
* personal responsibility
* anxiety and mental health
* hormones and maturation
* the dangers of pornography
* addictions and compulsions
* hope and available resources
* the difference between love and lust
* the beauty of marriage and family, connection and unity
* the peace and confidence that come from having self-control
* Q&A sessions
* I also ask each child on a regular basis if they have seen or heard anything that has made them feel uncomfortable.
Family Routine
If you haven’t already done so, begin today to incorporate into your family routine regular opportunities to discuss sensitive subjects, in age-appropriate ways that will best suit your family.
- Plan weekly group conversations.
- Have casual weekly check-ins and, if needed, one-on-one private discussions.
Consider: If you don’t teach your children about principle-based intimacy, if you don’t give them tools for creating healthy relationships, who will?
Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but it does get easier over time. Just last week, as we sat down for another discussion, one of my teens said out loud,
“You know–these conversations aren’t so bad. I’m actually beginning to like them.” 
Resources
In the beginning, when my first child was very young, I relied on this book for guidance. The book has detailed sections for ages 3-8, 8-13, 11-16, and 15-19.
I also used the following books, with great results:
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